Hey, slugger—we just wanted to check in on ya after hearing that sick “Haha, more like ‘Halo Indefinite,’ am I right guys, because the release is delayed?” that you laid down earlier. We here at Nerfwire wanted to let you know that not only did that highlight and cement your position as a comedy legend, but also clearly displayed that you have been hurt before, deeply, and possibly recently. We don’t just recommend using comedy to cover up your deepest, darkest feelings—we invented the goddamn game. So here’s some tips and tricks from the pros.
1. If they don’t laugh, say it again. If they don’t laugh again, you were never funny and you’re a fraud
That’s right: you may have been wondering, constantly, is this comedic wall that you put around yourself even working? Does it push people away—does it stifle your true self? Depends, has every single one of your jokes in your entire life been a hit? No? You worthless dog. If they don’t even like this facade you’ve put on, imagine how much they’d hate the real you.
2. Fuck it, try out some impressions
Do you feel a genuine connection starting up with somebody? Perhaps an old friend that’s becoming closer, or a new friend that you’re really meshing with? Remember: don’t let them get too close to the tatters that remain of your heart! Devolve the entire friendship into a series of bits and impressions. That’ll keep ‘em at arm’s length. We recommend getting started with some George Lopez and taking it from there. Be sure to stay “on” at all times!
3. Counseling, therapy, and mindfulness
Got ‘em! Haha, see? Therapy is for sad losers, and as far as any of your loved ones know, you’re a rock-solid slab of perfect mental health. How else could you bang out such grade-A zingers every single day? Nope, you’re an impenetrable fortress, and you’ll stay that way as long as no one hears you crying in the bathroom.
Halo Infinite is never coming out.