Call Of Duty Cold War To Feature Absolutely No Combat

Great news for Call of Duty fans—you want more hyperrealism in your video games? Activision and Treyarch hear you loud and clear. According to this morning’s press release, Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War will feature no combat whatsoever. While the series is known as a dedicated first-person shooter, Cold War will largely see the player researching nuclear armaments, disseminating propaganda, and engaging in threatening but ultimately hollow political posturing.

“For a long while, we’ve felt that Call of Duty has been stagnating into formulaic cash grabs,” states game director Don Vondrak. “That’s why we’re doing something completely different with Black Ops Cold War. Instead of gunning down enemy insurgents by the hundreds in a heated, real-time military war front, you’ll be enacting trade embargoes on countries smaller than California.”

“Of course, we’re aware that there were a number of open conflicts during the Cold War, such as those in Korea and Vietnam,” Vondrak continues. “But these deadly clashes don’t capture what we believe to be the essence of the Cold War. We want to explore political intrigue and international tension without violence, and we think the player will have much more fun almost launching a nuclear missile but not quite.”

“We’re excited to transport you to the center of a global sociopolitical calamity,” the press statement concludes. “We know our fans’ commitment to realism doesn’t just stop when it comes to women, the LGBT community, and people of color. That’s why we’ve chosen to double down on this new angle, focusing the mechanical gameplay entirely on things like civil unrest, psychological warfare, decolonization movements, and advancements in space travel (not that you the player will ever be going to space, obviously).”

“There will definitely still be zombies, however.”

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