In what is being called “shocking,” “almost impossible to believe,” and “the real takeaway in this whole story,” it appears to have been confirmed by multiple sources today that Jared “ProJared” Knabenbauer has somehow managed to have sexual relations with two separate women (clarification—a separate human female) during his time on this Earth thus far.
The events so far have unfolded as follows: after blocking his wife on Twitter, Jared has issued a statement stating that they are filing for divorce. During this time, his now-ex-wife and person we’re going to give a pass as far as jokes go for this article Heidi O’Ferrall began to air the dirty laundry of his infidelity for the world to see. The affair appears to be with Holly Conrad, another creator in the gaming/cosplay space on YouTube.
The tweet as above seems to confirm something very puzzling – ProJared has been able to navigate his re-heated thanksgiving dinner of a body into the bed of not one, but two women.
“At first it’s the kind of thing you wouldn’t believe, because I mean, Jesus,” said one user on Twitter, referring to a picture showcasing the unfortunate hand that had been dealt to the YouTuber’s face. “But, I’ve seen Holly wear glasses before. Maybe there’s something there?”
Nude pictures of the YouTuber circulating on Twitter have confirmed that there were no other factors helping Mr. Knabenbauer in his sexual endeavors, leaving observers of the story even more puzzled.
If this controversy has shown us anything, it’s that you should always be faithful to the people you love, that life can change completely in an instant, and that a blue button-up shirt can make literally anybody passably attractive.
In other news, Jon “Jontron” Jafari, noticing that he was trending on Twitter as a result of the news, has descended back into his panic bunker and may not release another video for several months.