“Baby, please,” speedrunner and steadfast erectile dysfunction denier Peter Evans exclaims from the other room. We hear the rustling of sheets before Peter’s long-term (for him) girlfriend storms out of the room, past our many reporters, wearing a robe and flip flops. After a moment, Peter emerges, tugging on a pair of sweatpants. “You just need to let me finish the sequence break! That could have still been a good run, we can’t just quit because of some bad RNG!”
It’s a common scene (or one that Evans would argue falls within the margin of error of being purely random) for Evans and his girlfriend, Sarah Ford, who asked to remain anonymous. Due to forces allegedly outside of their control, and certainly not due to body chemistry or psychological impotence, Evans has once again been unable to perform in the bedroom. “It all depends on what frame we enter the bedroom on,” he frantically explains while knocking on the bathroom door. “Sarah, seriously, I’m all good now, I’ve got a SummoningSalt video on in the background and I’m ready to go.”
As it becomes increasingly likely that Sarah is not going to exit the bathroom, and that she has possibly found some way to escape the second-story apartment, Evans sits down with us. “It’s frustrating, but that’s just the way that the run goes. There’s really nothing you can do about it. Some parts of the run are skill-based—I think I had a really good cunnilingus split that’s going to be hard to beat going forward. I just wish that I would stop getting such bad erection RNG, because having to restart the run so often leaves me really rusty for when I actually get into the coitus splits.”
When asked if he had ever considered speaking with a doctor about his “little issue,” Evans simply replies that he was only interested in running the “pill-less any% category.”
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