Bolvar Really Wishing He’d Leveled Past 80

Bolvar Fordragon, also known as the Lich King, was tragically stripped of his power and title this past weekend when former Warchief of the Horde Sylvanas Windrunner destroyed the source of his power, the Helm of Domination. In our exclusive interview, Bolvar himself claims that he’s “feeling like a really big idiot about the whole thing,” and cites the reason for his defeat as “failing to level past 80.”

“When I first became the Lich King, I guess I got a bit lazy,” states Mr. Fordragon. “I thought that I could just sort of rest on my laurels and grind passive XP by commanding the Scourge from afar. That’s what Arthas did for like ten years, right? Turns out that’s a pretty slow way to level. It’s like if you were only relying on XP drops from the mission table, just sending out NPCs to do your dirty work and not actually questing at all. It’s not the fastest way to grind artifact power, let me tell you.”

“Now I feel like that pandaren who reached max level without picking a faction. Remember that guy? Just stayed on the Wandering Isle picking herbs all day. I mean, what a legend, but I’m not expecting any raid achievements from him anytime soon, y’know? I know about that because that whole expansion was pretty slow going for me, in general.”

“And look, Arthas was no stranger to getting crushed by level 120s,” Bolvar continues. “They showed up trying to get his horse every single week, even though he was a real stingy fucker about it. No one ever went after the headgear, though. I know that the sky opened up and death is literally looming from above at this very second, but I’m a victim here too—the helmet is a big part of the look. Anyway, that was all about an hour ago, does anybody have a water or something?”

Sylvanas Windrunner, when reached for comment, leered at us and enslaved our reporter.