A new age for mankind dawns as astronaut Michael Rawaski, set to be the first to set foot on the surface of Mars, has insisted that his wife keep up with his dailies during his two-year journey.
“Look, I don’t want to fall behind while I’m exploring the final frontier,” says Rawaski as he prepares to board spaceship Ares and make history. “You need to understand that I’m F2P in most of my games, which means that if I don’t keep up with my dailies, I’ll be eating the community’s dust and I’ll have to grind extra hard in a couple years. Don’t fuck me on this, Michelle. I refuse to spend money on Hearthstone.”
Rawaski, who intends to slip the surly bonds of Earth and kiss the face of God, also made it very clear that if he gets back and has quests piled up in his log from two years ago, he will divorce his wife.
“He seems really preoccupied,” says fellow Ares astronaut Jennifer Grosch. “During the preflight checks, he kept whispering something to himself about how behind he would be on XP at the end of this. We had a good fourteen days straight of contingency drills, and the entire time, he was pouting about how many raids he was going to miss out on. Frankly, I think he’s only leading this mission because the director of NASA is his guild leader.”
As the countdown started, Rawaski was furiously texting his wife that there had better be a raid-ready shaman with a witty name sitting on his WoW Classic account when he got home, or so help him God, he was going to “Challenger this son of a bitch.”