I now know what it is like to be utterly defeated. My story? I was arguing with a man in a game of League of Legends, and then… he typed “cringe.” I was devastated. Could I have been cringe the entire time? It sent me into a shock I have barely even begun to recover from as I write this, a blanket wrapped around me in a futile attempt to shield myself from life’s cruel realities.
I’m still trying to piece together what happened. What led to me, an avid supporter of not being cringe, being cringe? I remember I pinged him and told him that the jungler was coming, but he stayed and died. I think I typed something sarcastic about him doing a good job paying attention, and then, like a bomb dropped from a plane: cringe. This one word had more power over me than a thousand poets composing a million tragic epics.
I never thought that I could be cringe, but the evidence is directly in front of me. I must have been cringe, otherwise, why would he say that I was? Is there anything worse in the world than causing some fifteen-year-old on the internet mild secondhand embarrassment even though I am a fully grown, confident adult? Nothing springs to mind.
Since then, my life is in shambles. My wife tried to ask me what was wrong, but I just snapped at her in rage. She couldn’t understand. She could never know the horror of being called “cringe” by some troglodyte wearing Skullcandies and listening to Post Malone. I did not perform sexually that night with my wife.
Where do I go from here? I walk the streets at night, screaming to the heavens that some child believes me to be cringe. I could have won the battle and the war if only he didn’t have the ironclad, inexorable defense of me being cringe. I run the argument through my head a thousand times a day, knowing that no matter what I said, I would have lost every single time against his unbeatable skills as a master logician.
This is a cautionary tale. The word “cringe” can bring virtue and beauty, but it can also bring desolation. Wield it with great care and sense of justice; it is not a toy. Unless your support keeps taking your goddamn kills. Fuck that guy, he’s cringe as hell.