Prospective gamer Ricardo Ansa hesitated to download League of Legends, as he was not sure if he was a tremendous enough piece of shit to play competently. The twenty-five-year-old bank clerk had been pressured to play by his most passive-aggressive and petty friends.
“I’m just not sure I have enough hatred in my heart,” Ansa said as he apprehensively downloaded the game. “My friends are just so much more horrible and unpleasant to be around, I’m not sure if I will be able to keep up in a game with them. It’s intimidating to get into this and not know how to belittle people on a personal level for minor mistakes. I’m always lost whenever my friends talk about League, because they keep using such crazy jargon like ‘boosted’ or ‘absolute dogshit fuckface, no-brain player who should be gunned down in the street,’ I feel like I might drag them down with the small shard of hope that’s still in my heart.”
Ansa eventually did decide to play with his friends, but to limited success.
“Look, I know there is a lot to learn in this game. It’s immense, and the meta of being a colossal prick is sometimes hard to catch up with,” said friend and enabler Daniel Harewood. “Like when the jungler came into his lane and took his CS, he didn’t type anything. I politely let him know that next time he should call him a worthless dog that should be beaten by its master, or simply type ‘woof woof, jungler dog’ in all chat, so Riot’s autodetect couldn’t get to him.”
Riot, the developer of the massively popular League of Legends, confirmed that they need to work on their new player experience.
“It is undoubtedly difficult to start playing League of Legends competitively,” said Brandon Merrill, CEO of Riot Games. “When you first join, you might make some key mistakes like not taking the game too seriously, or seeing inherent good in your fellow man. The learning curve is steep; there is so much champion knowledge that you need to call your teammates dipshits for not knowing. We are working on a training level that has an AI play poorly, and if you don’t tell it to kill itself, then you have to try again until you’re ready to play against real people with real feelings.”
At press time, Ansa was furiously typing to a teammate about how he hoped he and his family got cancer.