“Are You Sure?” Asks Smiling Dungeon Master

“And so, the kingdom of Baleron falls into ruin,” narrates local dungeon master David Aygax, having just finished the ceremonial shredding of five character sheets. “The great lich Gyus Gaxius seizes the Golden Throne, ruling for a thousand million years of horrific darkness: all life and all hope snuffed out forever. John, would you mind putting your phone away?”

This abrupt conclusion to David’s Dungeons & Dragons campaign left players around David’s living room in shock and disbelief. Zack Cook, former barbarian and assistant manager at the Outback Steakhouse, had the following comments when interviewed.

“I don’t even know what happened, man,” he sniffles, eyes brimming with tears, “We were going along just like normal, killing monsters and shit, and then we found this empty room with a treasure chest in the center. W-we decided to walk in, and then David asked, ‘are you sure?’ with this, this smile on his face… and we thought, well, nothing’s gonna happen, cause he’s smilin’. T-that’s not how it w-works…”

Here, Zack breaks down completely, head in his hands, tears dribbling through the cracks of his splayed fingers. “I trusted him,” he whispers.

Zack’s fellow players were similarly shocked: the massacre lasted only five rounds, with each and every party member meeting a unique and vividly described gruesome end. Afterwards, every player would unanimously agree that David was, quote, “being a total dickweed” for concealing such a deadly trap so cunningly.

“What kind of man would do something like this?” asks Marie Baker, who was playing a now-deceased elf rogue. “If he didn’t want to play with us anymore, he could have just ended the campaign… but this was gruesome. My character was decapitated twice. I can’t even really begin to explain to you how that happened. He made sure to go out of his way to kill Gary in a way that reminded him that his wife is leaving him, too. Why would he do this to us?”

“Raid was in 20 minutes,” David comments when pressed on why he ended the campaign so abruptly.