Finally, complaining on the internet has evoked real, meaningful change in the world. Director of the Sonic the Hedgehog movie and professional nightmare puppeteer Jeff Fowler has promised to redesign the titular character after the internet collectively lost its mind with the release of an official movie trailer. While speculation is all we have at this point, examining the tweets made by other Paramount employees does provide more insight on the exciting new direction the studio intends to take the film.
“We’re taking the movie in a more realistic direction,” clarified scriptwriter Patrick Casey, “We don’t have a lot of budget left to work with, and we’re aware of the… passion the Sonic fanbase has for its… beloved characters. So we reimagined Sonic as a fifty-seven-year-old man in a fursuit. Trust me when I say that this is as real as Sonic gets.”
While Jim Carrey himself has made no official statement regarding his new role in the revamped production, a black, gay, four-time EVO champion who hates Republicans and wishes to remain anonymous has confirmed that the famed method actor has begun attending furry conventions “in-character” in an attempt to “become” Sonic the Hedgehog, similar to how he encased multiple small animals in robot suits and built a moon-destroying laser while training for his role as Dr. Robotnik.
Despite this new direction, Casey tweeted that Sonic the Hedgehog will remain a family film. “While we did test-screen scenes where Sonic dons a diaper, swells to eight hundred pounds and eats James Marsden whole, we wish to emphasize that the movie contains no sexual content whatsoever and my eyes are bleeding. There is blood coming out of my eyes.”
While making such drastic changes so late usually spells disaster for a film, we here at Nerfwire remain optimistic. Changing the character design is sure to improve the writing, the jokes, and the film’s overall artistic merit, right? “We’d hate to rob millions of the joy they could feel by publicly ripping this corporate art product to shreds,” Casey concluded. “Thankfully, this new direction seems like it will be equally terrible, if not more so. I made $20,000 in the time it took you to write that.”
When reached for comment, Carrey’s agents said that this brings the actor closer to his goal of playing a movie where he plays every character, and also directs and films.