Alright, Fine, We’ll Review Fortnite

Jesus, will you leeches ever be satisfied? You catch the first scent of blood and it’s off to the races, yeah? Alright, fine, you got us. We’re reviewing Fortnite. Are you happy? Do you even know what happiness means? Are you capable of that emotion?

Whatever. Let’s get this over with.

Cultural phenomenon and Disney Channel Original Fortnite is a co-op sandbox survival game developed by Epic Games which has made a big splash both in and outside the mainstream. It’s gotten pretty big, huh? Pretty big. Weird how it got so big after such a slow initial release. Maybe it has to do with that new Battle Royale mode? I don’t know, I’m just spitballing. Tim Sweeney, Epic’s founder, describes Fortnite as “Minecraft meets Left 4 Dead,” but I can maybe think of one other game it borrows influence from. It’s on the tip of my tongue.

We’re not saying that Battle Royale doesn’t belong in Fortnite. The game’s story revolves around a dark storm which turns most of humanity into zombies, leaving you and your meager resistance to fight back. Aside from being the perfect metaphor for itself, Fortnite places a strong emphasis, both mechanically and narratively, on humanity standing together against the oncoming storm. So why not have a mode where you just throw all that shit out the window so you can hide in bushes and shoot each other instead? Maybe it’s related to that other game I mentioned. The best-selling game of 2017? What was it called again?

Look, we’ve all done things that compromised our morality in pursuit of extravagant profits. Wait, no we haven’t, because that’s something a sociopath would do. Did you know that Epic Games takes 5% of PUBG’s revenue in software royalties? Epic banked on a veritable fountain of youth and then used the money to create a slapstick, eldritch mangling of both PUBG and Fortnite that fails to capture the spirit of either game, opting instead for a thinly veiled excuse to ride rockets, which, in fairness, is definitely fucking awesome.

And in our arrogance, we’ve rewarded them. We have the power to sentence their damnation, to let them waste away in the hell they’ve created for themselves. Yet we choose not to. The golden path of righteousness lies plainly before us, yet we choose to turn away. How can we claim the moral high ground? None of us are without sin, and when judgment day comes and the Lord sees only darkness in us, we will deserve whatever agony awaits us on the other side.

All in all, we give Fortnite an eight out of ten. It has a little something for everyone!